Little Less Alone (2019)

Little Less Alone

January 2019

I wrote you a letter

But I don’t think you wanted to read it

I’m sorry if it caught you off guard

I’m sorry if it hurt something between us

 

That wasn’t my intention—I promise

I thought maybe it would give you a little bit of hope

I thought if it made you feel just a little less alone

Then it was worth it

But something changed and now

I’m the one who feels a little more alone

Now I’m the one who feels just a little less at home

 

I wish you would write me a letter

Because I can’t read you the way I let you read me

Sometimes we talk and I think you love who you see

Other times it would be a favor

If I just set you free

Never spoke another word in your direction

Never said a single thing, never tried for affection

Never told you I cared, never shared my intention

Of wanting to care for you, share with you, walk with you, be there for you

 

It was 2AM when I wrote that letter

I wasn’t sure I’d give it to you

I thought, not yet, at least, maybe later

I set it beside the book on my desk

But sleep wasn’t there

When I crawled into bed

I stared at the wall, and then at the ceiling

I shifted, I turned, I begged for some freedom

It nagged, it spread, it kept me awake

We had talked about God, so I decided to pray

I don’t know how long I covered my face

All I know are the feelings I tried to displace

 

I said, God, I pray for her every day

Isn’t that something that she’d want to know?

Wouldn’t it make her feel just a little less alone?

I don’t care about timing, I don’t care about waiting

I’ve spent my whole life waiting for people who care about

Meaning and purpose and passion and reason

And now here’s a woman

Who knows what she believes in

But she keeps saying she doesn’t love herself

I think I need to tell her just how I’m feeling

Maybe then she’ll see herself the way I see her

I want to take care of her, to be the man of her dreams

God, why’d you give me so much love but no one to receive it?

 

I felt reassured, so I pulled back the sheets

I opened my eyes and I jumped to my feet

I quickly got dressed, I opened my door

Letter in hand, I walked right to yours

 

I wrote you a letter and

Slid it under the door

But somehow, I feel worse off

Than I was just before

 

I wonder if I should’ve waited, but I can’t play that game

I don’t want to regret the things I never had the courage of saying

I said it, I prayed, I did what I should have

God, I think you lied to me

Why didn’t it work? Why’d you cast me away?

There’s only one good thing about being led astray—

At least I’m being led towards a place I might stay

 

When I feel things, I write

I could’ve sworn I felt love

Maybe I’m wrong

Or maybe I’m not wise enough

 

I wrote you a song

But I don’t think you want to hear it

You asked when you could, and I said anytime

But what you don’t know is I play it for myself every night

So one day if you ask, I know then I’ll get it right

 

Why do you fear it?

You know it’s a love song, but you don’t want to hear it

If you change your mind, please, just ask

We’ll sit on my bed and I’ll close my eyes

I’ll play it just like I have the past hundred nights

I hope in that moment that you’ll feel at home

And maybe, just maybe, a little less alone