Careless (2018)


June 2018

Looking back I had a different definition of fun

Middle school, high school we all grew up

Party busted, so they turn to run 

Juice turned to rum

We started with Play-Doh and bubble gum

So how’d we get to this?

Where’s the line that connects sex, drugs, and cigarettes?

You don’t wake up one day and decide that you’re reckless

You don’t wake up one morning and decide to be careless 

It’s not a switch that you flip 

But I guess it’s irrelevant 

I just hate that we went

From playdates and LEGO sets 

To a world of rape culture

A society that breaks you before you break it

Sometimes life breaks you before you fit in

They were fifteen, found liquor and couldn’t handle a sip 

They poured a handle and flipped, they found out real quick 

I screamed I don’t get it, help me understand this bit 

What part of that’s fun,

Getting so drunk, you can’t stop throwing up?

I’ll have no part in that, if that’s what they want 

I thought if that’s what they care about, they don’t care about me 

When their priorities change they’ll know where to find me

I got my 4.0, I got my scholarship 

But I still feel like there’s something I missed 

I know I did it right but I still question it 

‘Cause there’s no such thing as right, all we have is perspective 

I’m not saying you were wrong, I’m just saying I’m wondering 

Because it was a lonely place to be 

On the outside looking in

Midnight alone, I just cried in the kitchen

Knowing my friends were somewhere downstairs with their faces still buzzing

Getting high and they love it 

Getting high and they trust it 

I thought I’m 16 going on 70 

Can’t relate to these kids even though they respect me 

All they see are my grades, A+, 1520

What they don’t know is I’d trade that all in a heartbeat 

They’re just numbers and scores, I’d rather feel that they loved me 

They don’t understand belonging can never be beat 

By a perfect GPA or a high SAT

I try to connect, but I think they resent me

How many Honors? How many APs? 

I heard your IQ is 140/150

I think I’m losing my mind 

Don’t say you wanna switch places with me

I’ve heard it for years, but you don’t know about me 

Stop parading around, saying my life’s been easy 

We’ve all got our battles 

I’ll help you with yours

But please leave mine to me 

I got to college and thought it all would be different 

Naively assumed they’d grow up in an instant 

My hopes crashed and burned not even a week in 

Black out she’s laying on the bathroom floor 

I was holding her head from hitting the door 

How many drinks? I think she’s had ten, she insists only four 

1 AM 2 AM 3 AM 4

She’s not getting better, she’s just getting worse

It’s me and her, and the cold, white tiles on her cold, dark floor 

I take care of the ones who can’t take of themselves 

That’s my job I guess 

That’s what I’m here for 

I look to the sky say, “God what are you mocking me for?”

I know it isn’t a game, I know there isn’t a score 

But can we stop for a second, and think if it were—

When do I pull in front?

When do I get more?

When do I get the laugh?

When do I win the war?

Looking for love but that just gets ignored

She was looking for love, she found the vodka and poured 

She looks for the parties, all else she ignores 

But the man that she wants won’t pour drinks over her 

Yet night after night she runs back to the bar 

Maybe it’s not love that keeps coming up short 

‘Cause the love that she wants, the love she’s looking for

Has been trapped in the man who’s been trapped on her floor

It’s been a few years and I’ve grown quite a bit 

But there’s still one thing—there’s still one promise 

It eats me, I can’t shake it, I can’t fight it, can’t fake it 

I just want to be a young man a young lady can trust 

I just wanted to be the husband you looked at when you woke up

And thought “he waited for me, so I know he’s the one” 

I’ve tried to explain it, I guess I fell short

Some friends don’t get it, what I’m waiting for

They want one night stands, they want to sneak out the door

“Get with the times” they say, “sex is meaningless” they tell me

But I refuse, I won’t believe it

Because the one thing I want in this short life is meaning

I want to shake them, want to tell them they don’t see life the way I do

I just want a genuine connection, is that too much to ask?

I don’t want my sex life to be a constant comparison with everyone in my past

I don’t want it to be better or worse than anything else, 

I just want it to be part of life with my other half

I fail to see the purpose behind meaningless physicality

I don’t want affection without a genuine connection

I don’t want to give that part of me to someone random

I don’t want to share that intimate moment with someone who I’ll never see again

I don’t want to feel connected with someone who won’t take that devotion, that loyalty, and cherish it

But time goes on

And I’ll find a way to learn from what went wrong

Cry, rinse, repeat, and write a song